“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
We bee-long together.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
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