So, what do you turn into at midnight?
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Don't get tide down.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
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