texan Jokes

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin. After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family. The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?” “Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.” “Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

A Texan is in London for business, and decides he'd like to see the sights before he leaves, so jumps into a taxi and has them show him around. They drive past Big Ben, and the taxi driver notes it took 15 years to build. The Texan scoffs at this. "You Brits are so slow! We'd build something twice the size in half the time!" Next they swing by the Tower Bridge. Again, the driver comments that this impressive landmark was completed in only 8 years, and again the Texan scoffs. "That bridge is tiny! In Texas, we would have built a much larger bridge in just a year or two." A little further on, they drive past Buckingham Palace, but the taxi driver doesn't comment on it. The Texan is puzzled, and asks "What's that then? I suppose that must have taken you a hundred years to build!" The taxi driver just shakes his head. "Sorry mate, not sure what that one is - wasn't here yesterday."