Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
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