It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
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