"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
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