Woman Jokes

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
10 Long Years
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit. She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man. “It’s been 10 years,” he replies. With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. “Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure. “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks. Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years. Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask. The man opens it and takes a swig. “This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning. The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively. “Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively. With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs. “Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”