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Tell Jokes

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Literary Pick Up Lines
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
4th of July Pick Up Lines
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Classic Pick Up Lines
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Movie Pick Up Lines
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Funny Aging Quotes
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Food Quotes
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner
A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"