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Spider Jokes

The Caterpillars and Their Escape
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped… "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole darn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
Bee Puns
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Piano Puns
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Phone Puns
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Spider Puns
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Irish Puns
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Onion Puns
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Computer Puns
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Animal Pick Up Lines
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
The Cowboy, the Spider and the Dinosaur
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are. The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying tanks of gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby." The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story. The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck."
Kangaroo Puns
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.