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Soccer Jokes

His Life's Regret
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper: "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the professor answered sadly. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match and the tournament. I regret that now." "Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter." "Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered. "You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
Flamingo Puns
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
The British, the Camel and the Meal
Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry. Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead. The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry" The three men all nodded. "I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you" The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have." So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool." So he got the liver "I support Hartlepool." said the second man. So he got the heart. The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."
Ghost Puns
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Soccer Pick Up Lines
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Ancient Rome Puns
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Ghoul Puns
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
The Lonely Child
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says kindly. "Yes." he says. "You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly. "It’s best I stay here." he says. "Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher. The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.”
Fly Puns
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".