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Small Jokes

Utensils Puns
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
If I Had a Dollar... Jokes
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Garden Quotes
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Shopping for a Psychic
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."
Gnome Puns
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Irish Puns
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
The Surgeon Lecturer
One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction. At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?" The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!" God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask: "Which half?"
Mermaid Puns
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Onion Puns
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!