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People Jokes

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Garden Quotes
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Garden Puns
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Clothes Pick Up Lines
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Funny Health Quotes
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Friendship Quotes
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
The Mayor's Nightly Visit
A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."
Food Quotes
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles