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Patient Jokes

Brain Puns
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Ear Puns
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
A Clueless Nurse
A doctor is going around the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the man is lying in bad condition, worse than when he came in. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor suspiciously. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. Unfortunately, at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, taken aback, "did you prick his boil?!?"
Nuts Puns
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Garden Quotes
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Tom Jones Syndrome
A guy goes to the doctor. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A Choice of the Heart
A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon. "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart." "Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise. "Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."
Heart Puns
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The Catholic Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awoke to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Mushroom Puns
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Nurse Beth
Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Beth, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role. "She does a really good job with the patients, but I'm concerned Beth is mixing things up a bit. I told her that her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day." Said the first doctor. The second doctor chimed in, "I have had some similar issues. I told Beth to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour." The third doctor looked shocked, "I have had no issues so far-" The three heard a blood-curdling scream from the next room over. "Oh," said the third doctor, "I see what you mean. I just asked Beth to prick the boil on the patient in the next room."
Blood Puns
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Be Cheerful
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "Hey Morris, saw you the other day. You seem to be doing great." Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor sighed: "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful!"
Jokes For Women
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Drugstore Pick Up Lines
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Tableware Puns
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Mouth Puns
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Nurse Puns
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

She was really itching to get out of here.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"