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Home Jokes

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Yard Puns
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
A Distraught Man Visits a Psychiatrist
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!" "This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?" "Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
Food Quotes
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Halloween Pick Up Lines
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Space Pick Up Lines
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Christian Pick Up Lines
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Movie Pick Up Lines
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
Can You Say Daddy?
Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."
Classic Pick Up Lines
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Corona Virus Jokes
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
How to Get Your Packages
Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers. Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.” Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.” Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.” Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?” As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing. Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”
A Tale of Tortoise and Snail
A tortoise went out for a few beers and, despite being severely worse for wear, decided to walk home through the rough part of town. Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless, stole what little money he still had and, as a final insult, they sprayed obscenities on his shell. Utterly distraught, he was taken to the local police station where the fox inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants . "I don't know!" He cried, "It all happened so fast!"