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Glass Jokes

Little Johnny's Chemistry Class
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Taking the Wife to the Bar
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose." she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night."
Food Quotes
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Tableware Puns
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Funny Health Quotes
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
Garden Puns
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
The Old Lady, the Bartender and the Scotch
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me." As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming up," said the bartender. As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."