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Expensive Jokes

Shark Puns
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
The Mistresses Dilemma
It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?" "Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."
Frankenstein Puns
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Appliance Puns
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Nuts Puns
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Utensils Puns
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Irish Puns
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Their 40th Anniversary
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah..." she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "I want a divorce." answers Mary. "Sorry," sighed John, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
In Desperate Need of Whiskey
A man walks into a bar and briskly orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots. The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up. The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.” The bartender looks a little surprised, but lines of 12 more shots. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.” The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.” The bartender says “hold up man! You gotta slow down!” The man says “trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.” “My God,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you HAVE?” “A dollar.”
Spider Puns
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Deodorant Puns
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Oral Hygiene Puns
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Clothes Pick Up Lines
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Art Puns
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Drugstore Pick Up Lines
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Dolphin Puns
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Flamingo Puns
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.