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Coffee Jokes

The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner
A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
Garden Puns
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Never Remarry
Lucy and Debra were having one of their chats during one of their regular Thursday outings to play some chess, talk and get some good coffee. At one point, Lucy sighed and said, “You know, Debra , if something every happened to my Paul, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Debra nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough for me too.”
The Brewing Argument
A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband says, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "WHAT?!? I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
Food Poems
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Food Quotes
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Pilot vs. Pilot
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Impressive?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, do you have to say now?" "What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive." The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made plans for a date with a stewardess tonight. Impressive?"
3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem
Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee. Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!". The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
The Obnoxious Passenger
Years ago, a man needs to take a flight. As he gets to his plane seat, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a bloody whisky, you moron.” The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another darn whisky while you’re at it, idiot!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, moron, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!” In a couple of seconds, two burly disguised security personnel grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are falling from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says: “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’ve got a big mouth.”
A Fresh Cup of Coffee
A young man dressed walks tall through the doors of the local coffee shop one Sunday morning. He sits lazily and looks the place up and down before raising his hand and summoning a waiter. "I would like your FRESHEST coffee, none of that muddy stuff you probably usually make from yesterday's leftovers." The waiter assured him they make fresh coffee many times per day. "I'll believe it when I taste it." Said the young man. "I'm from New York and I know good coffee. There's very little chance you've got good coffee here, so at least make a new batch for me." and he shoos him away. The waiter goes to the kitchen and comes back with a cup of steamy coffee. The man tastes it and immediately makes a disgusted face. "Just what I thought, that's not FRESH. Come on, make me another one!" The waiter goes back to the kitchen and indeed takes some time to return. Upon his return he is holding a steaming and aromatic coffee cup. The waiter gives the gentleman the cup and he takes a sip... before spitting it out immediately. He turns to the waiter and shouts, “This is way worse! This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
Tableware Puns
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
A Scientific Roast
A philosopher, a mathematician, a chemist and a physicist were at coffee shop. The physicist turns to the chemist sitting next to him and says "You know, chemistry is just applied physics!" They all laugh a bit at the chemist. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all share a laugh at the physicist. At which point, the philosopher interjects, "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder. The mathematician turns to the philosopher and says: "That's funny. Now shut up and bring me the coffee I ordered."
The Real Laws of the Universe
LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone. CANNON'S KARMIC LAW If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes. BELL'S THEOREM The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings. RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. WILLOUGHBY'S LAW When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. OWEN'S LAW As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...