It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
