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Surgeon Jokes

Rejection Pick Up Lines
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Heart Puns
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
The Best Occupation to Operate On
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
The Doctor Expert
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" "Because I didn't feel a thing."
3 Nurses Go to Heaven...
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise. So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: "I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter." The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse then says, "I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best." The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter. "And you?" He asks the third nurse. "I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients." She answers confidently. The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman's file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven... for five days!"
Bear Puns
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Brain Puns
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Doctor Puns
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Garden Puns
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Puns
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
The Surgeon Lecturer
One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction. At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?" The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!" God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask: "Which half?"
A Choice of the Heart
A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon. "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart." "Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise. "Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."
Spine Puns
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Mother Puns
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.