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Spouse Jokes

Garden Quotes
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
Lightning Puns
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Ear Puns
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
You May Be Old If...
You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
Spouse Puns
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Funny Poems
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)