Parachute Jokes

Two friends go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions: "When the light above the door turns green, you can jump." The first guy (who is a major stutterer) asks: "w-w-w-will the p-p-p-parach-ch-ute open o-o-on its o-o-o-own?" The instructor says: "No sir, you have to pull the chord yourself. Just jump out, count to ten and then pull the chord." The light turns green and the second guy jumps first. After ten seconds he opens his parachute and lands safely in an open field next to a river. After a few minutes he hears a loud splash and he looks over to the river. The first guy comes up and says: "N-n-ine."

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes. Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance." The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge." The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training." The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft. This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground. Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left." Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left." The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..." "Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane. During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.

A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! As the other man gets near, the skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"