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Paper Jokes

That's Not It...
A general noticed one of his soldiers was behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, with calls of "that's not it" sounding outside until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Oral Hygiene Puns
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Tableware Puns
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Toilet Paper Puns
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Between Anger and Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
Utensils Puns
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Funny Break Up Lines
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Funny Marriage Quotes
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
If I Had a Dollar... Jokes
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.