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Hand Jokes

Food Quotes
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Classic Pick Up Lines
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Space Pick Up Lines
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Funny Poems
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Funny Break Up Lines
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.

Not so fast
Garden Quotes
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
The Beatles Pick Up Lines
Can I hold your hand?
Funny Marriage Quotes
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Zombie Puns
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Frankenstein Puns
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Giant Puns
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.