Best Jokes and Puns

All types of funny jokes, jokes for kids, jokes for adults, knock Knock jokes, doctor jokes, religion jokes, marriage jokes, cheating jokes, animal jokes, puns, one liners, dirty jokes, silly jokes, police jokes, prison jokes and many more.

You Gotta Get an Elephant
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: "So, how's your home life?" The other answers: "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!" The other guy looks at him astonished: "An elephant? Have you gone mad?" The guy replies, smiling: "Oh, my friend, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!" The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?" The guy replies: "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price." The other billionaire says: "Sell him to me for two million?" The first billionaire: "No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!" "Three million!" "I don't know, my dear... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!" "Alright, five million!" "Five million?.. Well, alright my man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're bosom buddies". In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling: "What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, the worst purchase in my life!" The other billionaire shakes his head at him and says: "Well, my friend, I don't know what to say, you'll never sell an elephant with that attitude. "
Who Is It?
A man from the city was reporting for a job at a residential home and knocked on the door. The owner wasn't home, but his pet parrot was. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes." There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes.", said the man, starting to feel annoyed. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes...", said the man, starting to get a little angry. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!", shouted the man, now quite furious. So furious in fact, that he suddenly had a heart attack and collapsed on the front stairs. The owners come home and are shocked to find a dead man on their steps. The wife says to the husband, "Well, who is it?" The parrot then replies, "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!"
The Camel Supply
A man arrives at the pearly gates and notices a group of rich people in expensive suits fighting over a needle. One guy yells, "It’s my turn!" while another in a black baseball cap jabs himself repeatedly, shouting, "Ow, ow, ow!" The man turns to St. Peter and asks, "What’s going on over there?" St. Peter sighs. "Oh, that’s just the world’s richest trying to get into heaven." Confused, the man points at the needle. "Okay… but what are they doing with that?" St. Peter shrugs. "You know Mark 10:25, right? 'Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven'?" "Sure, but… where’s the camel?" St. Peter smirks. "We ran out. This seemed easier."
Little Johnny's Spelling
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day. I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun. So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair. That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack. Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't. Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T. My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A Very Specific Order
A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast done ‘my way.’ He says, "Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way?" "Can I have bacon that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?" "Can I have sausages that are so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof?" "Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?" "Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?" The man behind the counter says, "Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?" And the guy says, "You seemed to find the time yesterday."
The Forgotten Pillow Cases
A stingy old man was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you when you die.” After much thought, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the pillow cases full of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab them on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral the deceased man’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaims. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
The American Game
A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game. Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column. The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here." But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here." The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!” His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’
Step On It
Noah and Frank left a bar after a long night of drinking, jumped into Noah’s car and Noah started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Frank screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Noah sped up but the old man's face stayed in the window. Frank rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" Frank handed the old man a cigarette, yelled, "Step on it," to Noah and quickly rolled up the window. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. Noah said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," Frank yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Frank threw a lighter out the window and said to Noah, "Step on it!" Noah floored it, and going about 100 miles an hour they tried to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" Frank rolled down the window and screamed, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
The Rome Trip
A young woman is travelling in Rome for the first time. Feeling a pull toward the grandeur of a beautiful cathedral, she decided to step in and admire the stained glass windows she had heard so much about. As she approached the entrance, a kindly but stern-looking priest emerged. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, raising a hand to stop her. "I’m afraid I can’t let you enter dressed like that." The young woman tilted her head in confusion. "Like what?" she asked. "My dress is modest." The priest hesitated, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's not the dress itself, it's just that you are not wearing a bra. I can't let you in like that." "Seriously?" Said the woman angrily, "I have a divine right!" "A divine left, too, Miss," the priest replied "but you still can’t come in."
A Leopard in England
A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. "You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!" "Really?" "Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me." The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left." "Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly. "What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused. "Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community." "That's nice " "Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
Haste is the Devil
God was giving out traits to Adam and Eve. He had two left and decided to ask their preference. He said, “So I have two things left for you both. The first is peeing while standing up…” Adam jumped up and said, “Me! Me! I want to pee standing up! Then I can just pee wherever I am standing. Oh, and I can write my name in the snow!” God said, “Are you sure you want it? I haven’t even said what the other trait is?” Adam said, “I don’t care. Peeing standing up is so cool, nothing can beat that!” God shrugged and asked, “Eve, are you ok with this?” Eve looked at how happy Adam was and shrugged herself. “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll also be happy with whatever I get.” God nodded, “Yes. For you Eve, the last trait, then - Multiple orgasms.”
The Best Anesthesia
Steve from Texas is waiting for his big surgery, when his anesthesiologist walks into the room with his equipment. Steve swallows nervously and asks: "Excuse me, would you mind explaining to me how you'll put me under? This is my first time." "Oh sure," said the anesthesiologist kindly, "Don't worry, I only use the best drugs and I have lots of experience measuring just the right amount. You won't feel a thing and will wake up with no side effects at all." "Oh," breathed Steve, "that's awesome, thanks Doc!" "Sure," said the doctor, "by the way, are you insured with any of our..." "Ah, no." Said Steve, "I don't have insurance." "Ah, I see." says the anesthesiologist and begins to sing: "Twinkle twinkle little star..."
The Worst Colleagues
There were three receptionists at a convention each talking about how dodgy their coworkers were. The first said "Nobody is more dodgy than car salesmen. My colleagues will patch up a car so that it will drive just far enough away from the yard before it breaks down and then claim that it was in perfect working order." The second said, "That's nothing, I work in a law office. They'll represent your coworkers in court and make sure that they aren't responsible for that lemon. They're the dodgiest." "Wow, " the third receptionist said. That hits close to home. I recently bought a car that did exactly that. I drove it to work and parked, but when I came out after work, it wouldn't start. I took the car yard to court and their lawyer successfully argued that they weren't at fault." "So which was dodgier?" The first asked. "My colleagues. I work for the local police and while I was sitting in my broken down car in the station car park, trying to get it started, one of my colleagues reversed into me and then arrested me for reckless driving. "
The Stoner and the Genie
A stoner is walking along the beach when he stumbles upon an old, dusty lamp. Curiosity gets the best of him, so he picks it up, gives it a rub, and—poof—a genie appears. "Mortal, you have summoned me, and you may have three wishes." the genie says, eyeing him seriously. "What is your first wish?" The stoner, already in a mellow mood, grins. "Alright, for my first wish, let's smoke a joint together." The genie, though a bit surprised, shrugs. With a snap of his fingers, a joint appears, and they light up, passing it back and forth in silence, enjoying the ocean breeze. After a few minutes, the genie says, "What's your second wish?" The stoner, eyes half-closed, nods and says, "For my second wish, let’s smoke another one." The genie obliges, conjuring up another joint, and they repeat the process, sinking deeper into relaxation. Once that joint’s burned down, the genie clears his throat, "So, what's your third wish?" The stoner thinks for a second, a slow smile spreading across his face. "Okay, for my third wish... let’s smoke one more." The genie raises an eyebrow but obliges him. So they spark up one last joint, and after they finish, the genie disappears into the lamp. A minute later, he pops out with chicken nuggets in his hand and asks: "So, what's your fourth wish?"
Reason for Emigration
It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door. Rabinovich: "Who's there?" A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open." Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope. KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?" Rabinovich: "Why, Communism." KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course." Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades." Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?" Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."
The Million-Dollar Sandwich Dilemma
A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars." A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying. The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration. On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!" The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread.
The Kind Wife and the Sneaky Neighbor
A young couple had recently gotten married, and after three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth. The wife went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out. After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $100 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself." The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful. When he reached the first floor, the neighbor's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?" He happily told her the whole story. She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 100 bucks, and I'll take care of you." The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home. His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?" The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbor saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did." His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"
I Suppose There's a Problem
A man goes to the doctor, who diagnoses him as having hemorrhoids. . The doctor prescribes him a suppository and tells him to use up to two daily as needed until the problem subsides. The man has never used a suppository before and uses it like he would any other pill: he swallows them. They are a bit big, but he manages. A few weeks later, the man calls the doctor and asks for a refill. The doctor is surprised and asks, "Ran out? What are you doing with them? Eating them!?" The man answers sarcastically, "No Doc., I'm sticking them up my arse."
Blondes on the Hunt
Three blondes decide to go hunting... While they are in the field, they stumble across a set of tracks. The first one exclaimed, "Oh, look! Deer tracks!" The second one said, "You dummy, those are definitely moose tracks." The third one chimed in and said, "You're both wrong. Those are the biggest bear tracks I've ever seen!" They started arguing about who was right and who was wrong. After about an hour they decided it was moose tracks... And that's when the train hit them.
Wish Upon a Star
This is a story of a young boy who lived with his mom and dad. One day, Mom and the Dad get into an argument and file for a divorce. Mom gets to keep the kid, while Dad takes his stuff and leave. Before going to bed, the boy sees a shooting star in the sky and wishes for his mom and dad to be back together again. The next morning, the boy goes downstairs to see his mother and father are back together and are happy with each other. The boy, however, isn't happy but confused. He takes one good look at his father, goes to the Mom and whispers to her, "Who's this guy?"
The Offended Rope
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at it and immediately says, “Get out. We don’t serve ropes here.” The rope is understandably offended and says, “What? Why??” The bartender shakes his head. “I’m sorry, but your kind have been too much trouble in the past. One of our staff getting accidentally hanged was the last straw. It’s nothing personal, but you have to leave.” The rope complied, but felt very upset. He went home and talked to some friend ropes who encouraged him to stand up against the discrimination. Feeling emboldened, the rope tied himself up in various ways and pulled his ends apart until they were poofy. He was nearly unrecognizable. He walked back to the bar and confidently through the door. The bartender peered at him with narrowed eyes. “Hey,” he said suspiciously, “aren’t you a rope?” The rope replied, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
I Want...
A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed." The cabbie dutifully drives him to the 'burbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!" A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens. After a while the drunk bangs on the door again and screams "I wanna get screwed!" The female voice answers, "What? Again!?"
The Workaholic
A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?" "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband. "I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home." The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag. "Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?" "You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered. "Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" "Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
The Genie, the Jackass and the Honeycomb
A little person brings in a jackass and a honeycomb into a little hotel. The manager asked, "what can we do for you?" He said, "I need a room, as my wife threw me out." The manager asked "That's sad. Whatever for? And, excuse my curiosity, why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," the little guy answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The manager asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my penis hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the manager exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', he replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"
The Boy and His 7 Wives
This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...." Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep." After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!" Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!" "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?" "Let them sleep with daddy!" Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"
The Unexpected Windfall
A woman got up and out of bed and stretched and a penny fell out of her privates. She thought it was odd but kept on with her morning routine. She went to put on a pot of coffee and a nickel fell out of her privates. She was concerned but continued her morning routine. She drank her coffee and went to brush her teeth when a dime fell out of her privates. She really was getting concerned and thought to herself, "if anything else happens, I'm calling the doctor!". She got dressed and started to tidy up the house, and a quarter fell out of her privates and rolled down her pant leg. Concerned, she called her doctor. She told him.....a penny, a nickel, a dime an then a quarter. "No need to worry," He said "you're just going through the change."
So Long, Preacher
A priest is told by the bishop he is being moved to a new parish The priest tells the congregation the news and after the service a woman comes up to him crying: "This is terrible news father, just terrible. You can't leave us. Refuse the move, tell the bishop to find someone else for the other church." The priest puts his arm on the woman's shoulder and says "I realize this is difficult news for you Mrs. Johnson, but who knows? Maybe the next priest for this parish will be even better than me." "Oh sure," Mrs. Johnson says in hysterics. "That's what they told us the last time!"
Why Are YOU Here?
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach. "I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all." "I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same." The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?" "My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
The Marvelous Shoes and the Gallant Husband
A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her." The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love." The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie." The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?" "I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman. "Nice. How much were they?" "Oh, around 500 dollars." "Thanks for letting me know." The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."
The Price of Whiskey
A young man goes into a liquor store and approaches the shop owner. Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" Shop owner: "Sure, son, go ahead." Customer: "Why are you selling the Jack Daniels at thirty dollars per bottle?" Shop owner: "And why shouldn't I, exactly?" Customer: "But the owner of the shop across the street sells it at twenty dollars per bottle." Shop owner: "Well, if you don't like it, why don't you go and buy there?" Customer: "Well, because right now, they don't have any Jack Daniels." "I assure you young man," said the shop owner, "once I run out of Jack Daniels, I'll be selling it at fifteen dollars per bottle!"
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