Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
"You can't beat me."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.