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Modern comedians are great for many types of comedy. But there were times, before we got addicted to visual jokes, that a well crafted line was all you needed to get a good laugh. And throughout the ages, there have been some really good ones. Here are some of our favorites!
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“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ |
Unknown |
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“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ". |
Eleanor Roosevelt |
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“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.” |
George Burns |
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“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” |
Victor Borge |
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“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” |
Mark Twain |
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“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” |
Mark Twain |
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“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. |
Socrates |
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“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” |
Groucho Marx |
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“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” |
Jimmy Durante |
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“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” |
Jilly Cooper |
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“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” “I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.” |
Zsa Zsa Gabor |
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“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” |
Alex Levine |
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“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” |
Ed Furgol |
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“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” |
Spike Milligan |
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“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.” |
Mark Twain |
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“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” |
Herbert Henry Asquith |
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“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” |
Bob Hope |
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“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.” |
W C Fields |
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“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.” |
George Burns |
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“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” |
Unknown |
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“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.” |
Unknown |
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Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.” |
Unknown |
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“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.” |
Unknown |
