Encouraging children to be independent is important, but experts advise against using phrasing that might unintentionally discourage them from seeking help later on.
Instead of saying, “I’m not going to help you,” experts suggest a more supportive approach: "Give it your best shot, and if you need assistance, I'm here to help you figure it out." This conveys confidence in the child's capabilities while emphasizing the availability of parental support when needed.
2. "Great job."
Research shows that using generic terms like "Good girl" or "Way to go" while applauding your child's accomplishments may cause them to rely on your approval rather than their own intrinsic motivation. Instead, parenting experts suggest reserving praise for moments deserving of genuine recognition and providing specific feedback. For instance, rather than a general "Super game," offer targeted praise like, "That was an excellent assist. I appreciate how you actively sought out your teammate."
3. "Hurry up!"
Using the term "Hurry up!" around children might unintentionally communicate a sense of haste, which can lead to increased stress and anxiety. Children are still developing their time-management abilities and may not completely understand the notion of time restrictions. Constantly hearing "hurry up" might make them feel rushed and stressed, perhaps impairing their ability to focus or complete things successfully. Instead, softly encourage them with a gentler voice, such as, "Let's pick up the pace." This subtly indicates that you are partners in the situation.
4. “Calm down.”
While it may seem instinctive to tell a loudly upset child to calm down, this strategy is often unhelpful. In most instances, children are not able to find solace in being instructed to suppress their emotions.
Parenting experts talk about the importance of acknowledging children's emotions and teaching them effective self-regulation techniques. Instead of commanding them to calm down or stop crying, offering a comforting hug, practicing deep breathing together, or gently redirecting their attention can aid children in managing overwhelming emotions. Often, your calm and consistent presence might give them the reassurance they need.
5. “It’s not a big deal.”
While we might view an issue as trivial, it can hold genuine significance for our children. According to parenting experts, such remarks often invalidate the child's emotions, potentially leading them to feel disregarded or that their feelings lack importance. This approach may also prompt a child to doubt themselves and the legitimacy of their emotions or experiences. Rather than dismissing their feelings, consider using an open-ended question, such as, "It seems like this is bothering you—could you tell me more about why you're feeling upset?"
6. "We can't afford that."
Jayne Pearl, author of Kids and Money, warns against reverting to this approach when your child pleads for the latest toy. This remark can imply a lack of financial responsibility, which may worry children. Instead, use statements such as, "We're allocating our funds for more essential items." If the child persists, this is an excellent opportunity to talk about budgeting and financial literacy.
7. "No dessert unless you finish dinner."
Parental advisors suggest that using this expression may inflate a child's perception of the treat's value, ultimately reducing their enjoyment of the meal. Instead, consider reframing your message to say: "Let's focus on finishing our meal first, and then we can indulge in dessert." This subtle change in wording is likely to have a more favorable impact on your child's perspective.
8. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Child psychologists advise against inadvertently making children feel punished when they express themselves. It's essential to maintain a focus on their emotions and reassure them of our availability to listen. Instead of shifting attention to our own reactions, consider responding with gratitude, such as saying, "Thank you for confiding in me," as suggested by experts in the field.
