You married the person you love and committed to being there for each other in sickness and in health, hoping to live a peaceful life full of happiness and prosperity together. However, life doesn't always go as planned, and your spouse has fallen ill—whether it’s a severe chronic illness or a mental health issue. Now, you need to care for them and help them recover and return to their best selves, and you are ready to do so with endless love. However, you are facing more and more challenges that pile up along the way, and you notice that you have neglected your previous life and need a moment to breathe. Because we understand the significant difficulty you are experiencing, we decided to help you with 8 expert tips, each of which will help you cope with the changes life has brought to your relationship with an ill partner. Remember, once you feel slightly better in the new reality imposed on you, you can be stronger for the loved ones beside you.
1. Set new expectations
When you met many years ago, and perhaps even right after the wedding, you had expectations and perhaps even shared dreams for the future, such as a trip to a destination you always wanted to visit. Now you need to cope with your spouse's illness, recalculate your course, and give up on those plans. In this regard, Dr. John Rolland, an adjunct professor of psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago, advises you to think together about what you can do together and what separately. Look for new shared activities you can do and enjoy, for example, reading the same book or cooking together. Continue to pursue your individual hobbies, such as dancing or cycling—don’t give them up, and do them without feeling guilty. Once you adjust your expectations to be more realistic and find the golden path you can walk together, it will be easier for you to function, and your relationship will grow stronger.
2. Share responsibilities
When a partner is dealing with an illness that makes it difficult for them to function, the caregiver tends to take on all the household responsibilities—this creates an imbalanced relationship. If this is the case for you, know that it doesn’t have to be this way, and it should be balanced as much as possible. To do this, make a list of all the household chores that need to be done and divide them as equally as possible, of course according to your ill partner's abilities. If there are tasks that neither of you wants or can do, think about how to implement them anyway. For example, if your partner lacks the energy to clean or go shopping, and you don’t have the time—hire a cleaner or order groceries online. Remember, you don’t have to break under the burden, and if your partner cannot help you—you can find a suitable and creative solution.
3. Involve your partner in your plans
Avoid putting your spouse in the "sick person who needs care and cannot do anything" category, and set boundaries regarding the support you provide so that your relationship is as mutual as possible. If you’ve reached a point where you can’t do certain activities together—sometimes just “being there” is enough to express closeness and solidarity. For example, if your partner has difficulty speaking, don’t avoid talking to them; on the contrary, sit beside them, hug them, and share your feelings. If, for instance, they’ve lost their appetite due to the illness and you want to go out to a restaurant, gently suggest, if appropriate, that they join you just to keep you company—they might agree simply because they feel like going out. Acting this way will show them that you don’t pity them or see them as helpless but regard them as equals.
4. Expand your social circle
You may feel that the people around you—family members and friends—simply don’t understand what you’re going through. This is quite logical; not everyone can digest the challenges you are facing, and even those who can’t always find the strength to support you as much as you need or want. Therefore, in such a situation, you might consider expanding your social circle and surrounding yourself with people who can understand you and may have been or are in your position. To find them, try your luck in support groups, even online ones, specifically for people like you, where you can share your thoughts, listen to others, and understand that you are not alone. In summary, don’t hesitate or be ashamed to look for the social framework that will make you feel at home.
5. Relieve stress and tough emotions
It’s completely normal to feel sadness and stress due to your loved one’s illness, especially if it’s chronic or sudden. According to clinical psychologist Rosalind Kalb, the best way to deal with these feelings, particularly the tensions and worries that accompany them, is to identify their root and name them. To do so, follow these four steps with your spouse, and help each other implement them. First, to feel in control of the situation, learn as much as possible about the illness. Second, if needed, seek counseling or talk to a professional about your feelings—either alone or with your spouse. Third, ensure your sadness doesn’t turn into depression, which you can identify and address as necessary using this guide. Lastly, accept that your relationship is no longer what it used to be, which will make it easier for you to apply what we explained in the first section.
6. Check your financial situation
Many couples face financial difficulties, but they can intensify due to a spouse’s illness. There are many logical reasons for this, the first being loss of income due to the partner’s inability to work. You may even have left your job or reduced your work hours to care for your loved one. Let’s not forget the high costs of medical treatments, which can drain your wallet faster than anticipated. Yes, recognizing this significant problem, in addition to your regular expenses, may sadden and worry you—but once you resolve it, it will be easier to cope with your situation. To improve your financial situation, refer to this article or consult professionals.
7. Don’t neglect your health
You are probably busy and investing all your immense efforts in helping your ill spouse, but what about you? How are you feeling today or recently? If you haven’t stopped to ask yourself these crucial questions, maybe it’s time to do so, because if you wear yourself out, who will help your loved one? There are several signs to help you understand if you’ve reached such a state:
- Distancing yourself from others
- Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Feelings of sadness, anger, and helplessness
- Extreme changes in appetite and/or weight
- Extreme changes in sleep habits
- Worsening health conditions, with frequent illnesses
- Thoughts of harming yourself or the person you care for
- Mental or physical exhaustion
8. Give meaning to the care you provide
Long-term caregiving for a sick spouse may help you discover new aspects of yourself that you didn’t know existed—don’t hesitate to embrace them and allow them to become part of your identity, even if it requires a bit of change. Additionally, if you’ve implemented all the tips mentioned so far, you should be able to find meaning in what you’re experiencing. For many people, this is usually connected to loyalty stemming from the commitment they have to their partner and the sense of partnership in the relationship. Therefore, your success in enduring this challenging period should be measured by how you communicate with each other, love each other, and feel loved by one another. To give the desired meaning, recall during moments of crisis the good things in your relationship, such as your children and the fact that you still manage to work as a loving and winning team.
