When Toddlers Lie
Toddlers do not lie intentionally. "Young children are too young to understand what a lie is," explains Dr. Gallagher. "They are not deliberately distorting reality. They like to exaggerate and invent tales, but these stories are more a reflection of their rich imagination rather than an attempt to lie."
Additionally, at ages 3–4, children struggle to differentiate between their wishes and reality. "Developmentally, they are not mature enough to understand that something is untrue when they want it to be true," explains Dr. Gallagher. This is why toddlers can sit with an empty cup in hand, juice dripping off the table onto their legs, and insist that someone else spilled the cup. What they mean is that they really wish they hadn’t spilled the juice, especially when they see you are upset with them.
What Should You Do?
First, don’t overreact. "Never call a child a liar—at any age," says Jane Kostelak, a child development expert from the St. Louis-based Parents as Teachers organization. An angry response may cause your child to go on the defensive, which could lead to continued lying to avoid blame. Instead, focus on what happened, and calmly say, for example, "I see you spilled your juice," then offer a solution: "Let’s grab a paper towel and clean it up together."
If your child makes up stories, try challenging them in a fun and playful way, suggests behavioral scientist Dr. Wendy Gamble, an associate professor of family studies and human development at the University of Arizona. You could ask, "Is this a true story or a pretend story?" Most likely, your child will admit they made it up, and you can both laugh about it together. You can also look for books about lying for children, which can help them learn the value of honesty and how to admit their mistakes.
When Children Aged 5–7 Lie
Children starting school age often lie to avoid taking responsibility or punishment. They may also lie to get something they want, such as a later bedtime or permission to watch a favorite TV show, or because they are afraid of disappointing you. For example, if your child thinks you are upset because they didn’t properly learn their letters in school, they might lie about their performance in class that day. Additionally, as friendships become more meaningful to children, a child who feels they don’t have many friends might embellish their stories to make themselves seem more popular.
What Should You Do?
Try to understand your children’s motives for making up lies, and start by reflecting on your reactions to the mistakes they make. Are your expectations too high? Or is your parenting style too strict? If your child is anxious, they might lie to avoid blame and punishment. Start by reassuring your child by acknowledging their feelings. You can say something like, "I know you’re scared/embarrassed when you do something wrong," and then remind them that everyone—even you—makes mistakes sometimes. Let them know you love them no matter what they did and that telling the truth is always the better choice, even when it’s hard.
If your child brings home an unfamiliar item—like a toy taken from a friend’s house—avoid demanding a confession. Instead, respond neutrally with a statement like, "I see you brought home a new toy. Where did you find it?" Then explain why it’s not okay to take things without permission. Afterward, guide your child toward a solution: "Let’s call your friend, apologize, and make sure it gets back to them tomorrow at school."
"Think of yourself as a teacher, not a police officer," says Kostelak. Avoid punishments that go beyond the scope of the lie—for example, if the child lies about something fairly routine, such as turning off the TV when they didn’t, gently remind them of your expectations instead of imposing overly harsh consequences.
When Children Aged 8 and Older Lie
At this age, lying is more intentional. Children might deliberately "forget" to tell you something or omit details—for instance, claiming they didn’t get homework when they actually did. Friends and social status also start to play a more significant role in their lives, so don’t be surprised if your child begins to lie to impress their peers. As they grow, they may try to distort the truth to protect their privacy or assert their independence.
What Should You Do?
"Don’t try to set traps for your children where you know they’ll lie, or ask them questions you already know the answer to," says Kostelak. Instead, make it clear that you can tell when they are being truthful or not. You could say, "That doesn’t sound like the whole truth. Do you want to think about it for a moment and tell me again?" Additionally, avoid lectures on the subject. It’s more likely that your child will admit the truth if you remain calm and avoid sarcastic remarks. When they confess, acknowledge it and move on.
If you hear your child saying something untrue to their friends—for instance, telling them about a trip abroad you never took—don’t embarrass them in front of their peers. Wait until you’re home and explain that they don’t need to lie to impress others—true friends will like them for who they are. Lastly, remember that your children are growing and maturing, and they deserve some privacy. If you, for example, snoop through their phone messages, they might lie just to get some space from you. Most importantly, focus your efforts on creating a supportive and open environment at home. Whether it’s a 6-year-old or a 16-year-old, it’s crucial that they know they can talk to you about anything, which reduces the likelihood of lying.
In Summary
Lies should be addressed according to the child’s age, and your response should align with their developmental stage. Not all lies are inherently bad, but it’s important for children to understand the value of honesty from a young age. You can click here to find additional tips to help your children tell the truth instead of lying. However, note that most are relevant for children aged 8 and older. For younger children, it’s enough to follow the advice shared here.
