The most common request expressed by couples during therapy is the desire for change; in practice, this request means a desire for the partner to change. Sometimes it’s mutual, and sometimes it’s a request from only one side, sometimes it happens after a few months of a relationship, and sometimes after ten years of shared life and three children. Many describe it with the common term "communication problems," but a deeper look often reveals that this isn’t usually the case. Frequently, it turns out that the issue isn’t disrupted couple communication, but rather the desire for the partner to be a different person—someone whose image we often experienced at the beginning of the relationship when we fell in love, and whom we continue to see in our imagination. In such cases, it’s sometimes convenient to attend lectures or workshops on positive and connecting communication, but in reality, nothing happens at home. No matter how positive and connecting the words we say may be, the meaning of the endless arguments and mutual complaints is a lack of acceptance of the life partner as they are.
He continues to complain and comment about endless delays, a lack of order and personal cleanliness, she continues to complain about unnecessary shopping, remarks during driving, and preoccupation with past partners. He keeps texting while driving and cursing other drivers, she regularly forgets to pay bills and isn’t interested in what’s happening at the bank. It never ends. Each expects the other to make a change, because, after all, they are right.
The Cycle of Disappointment and Control
On the surface, if you examine the couple’s claims, both are very right, and these are important issues—so why doesn’t change happen? The reason is simple to understand, but the lesson from it is very difficult to internalize and implement. It’s enough for one partner to have the perception that a relationship is a place for control and power struggles, and then every small request is interpreted as an attempt at control and dictation. On the other hand, when my request doesn’t lead to change from the other side, it’s an expression of disrespect and disregard that’s hard to ignore in silence. The number of mutual remarks and complaints becomes, over time, a tall, impossible-to-climb mountain, leading to frequent sulking, silences lasting days or weeks, disconnection, explosions, reconciliation, and the cycle repeats.
Why is This Happening to Me/Us?
The reasons are usually not rooted in the current relationship but in the family environment in which we grew up and closely experienced a relationship of quarrels over control and power between our parents, disrespect, cynicism, mockery, or any form of violence. A child who watches their parents argue incessantly understands that the worst harm will come from those closest to them, their loved ones. Therefore, in adulthood, the perception is ingrained that they must deflect every request or remark from their partner, who is the current incarnation of the closest, most loving person who can also hurt, harm, or abuse the most. The fear of being hurt or humiliated activates a defense mechanism from the past, created to protect us, and it continues to operate in adulthood; most people are unaware of this, and their reaction isn’t intended to harm the other but to protect what they perceive as their "weak self."
How do you know if it’s indeed an automatic mechanism and not an appropriate response to the current situation?
The reaction will be emotionally disproportionate to what happened, often manifesting as an outburst of anger or a tantrum unrelated to reality. For example: the partner left a wet towel on the bed in the morning, and when the other partner returned, they found the bed damp and slightly smelly. He waited for his partner, yelled at her in great anger, and attacked her for disrespecting him, ruining the house, exploiting him, and forcing him to change the bedding. Another exaggerated reaction is a loud silence; the partner comes home, and there’s a heavy tension in the air, no one to talk to—sometimes hours or days pass until it’s clear to both sides what happened. Of course, without an explosion, it won’t pass peacefully here either.
Another way to distinguish between an automatic mechanism and an appropriate response is by examining the perception of requests from the partner or therapist. In cases where it’s baggage from the past, requests to reduce remarks or overlook dissatisfaction in certain areas are perceived as demands to show inferiority and grant victory to the other side. Even the language of the conversation reflects this: "When you ask me not to react to every event, to let go when the anger subsides, you’re putting a weapon in my husband’s hands." All the language is of war, victory, punishment, and, of course… who’s right.
Another reaction indicating rigidity and unwillingness to change is focusing on the other and elegantly deflecting conversation about issues related to change in the complainer. A person’s inability to see their part in the battle taking place in life and in the therapy room is a sign that it’s not about the couple’s current reality. A partner who doesn’t let go of the combative side will only talk about the other, as if they themselves have no difficulties. Stubborn control issues like these "stall" life and couple therapy, if it’s happening at all. If, after a few months of the couple trying to deal with the difficulties, there’s no success, or after 5-6 therapy sessions there’s no significant change in the relationship and no letting go of the need to control and punish the other, then it’s not about realistic problems every couple faces in life, but about exploiting the situation to wage a war to subdue each other.
How Did We End Up in Such a Relationship?
The reason is simple: in the beginning, it was good, maybe even very good; in the first month and a half or two of courtship, the behaviors indicating a problem barely surfaced. Sometimes, at the start of a relationship, people even behave the opposite of what they already know they are. For example, anger reactions won’t appear if the partner is twenty minutes late, and she won’t explode if he forgot everything she asked him to buy. Everything passes with a smile and understanding, and there’s a feeling of "I’ve found the one!" The excitement, happiness, sexual attraction, hopes, and joy also cause blindness to hints of problematic behaviors and/or a choice to downplay them.
Over time, old anxieties resurface, along with unhelpful behaviors. The initial level of happiness and joy drops, and suddenly, we’re faced with a different person from the one we knew. From here, the path can branch into various directions… The hardest path is clinging to the memory of the relationship’s early days—the "lost potential" of the partner. The meaning of this path is essentially yearning for the acceptance that wasn’t truly real to return perfectly. The situation can be worse for people who experienced abandonment in childhood or those who are "caretakers" by nature and willing to endure a lot to get back their imagined partner. They’ll struggle to separate, and the partner will continue to hurt them due to demands for change or refusal to adopt change.
Food for Thought
Wanting a life partner and thinking only about how to change them isn’t a relationship—it’s "re-education." Even if the couple has some attraction and interest in each other, it’s unsustainable for a partner to have more than two remarks or requests for significant behavioral change per week. Repeated, frequent remarks usually indicate that the partner isn’t the right person for your life and you’re not compatible—you can’t force it. In older age, people experience more fear, anxiety about loneliness, fear of not having children, and similar feelings that can lead to decisions misaligned with reality. If you find yourselves arguing incessantly, debating endlessly about the same things, mutual accusations are part of your daily routine, and it doesn’t change through self-work or therapy—then it’s better to separate. You don’t need to "fight for the relationship" (another combative phrase from control-hungry people); you need to enjoy the relationship, be happy, host friends, spend time together, travel, love, give freely, kiss, and hug without conditions, flourish, and feel your heart bursting with joy.
