1. A family member who treats you poorly
This could be a parent or sibling who just "vomits their emotions" onto family members, taking out their frustrations on them. It’s possible that something in their life is affecting them negatively and causing this behavior, like work-related issues, but that’s no reason to take out their negative feelings on the people they’re supposed to love. Typically, this person acts differently in public, which can actually be part of the solution.
Instead of completely cutting ties, choose to meet this family member only in public places, like a café, or go out to a movie together—this way, you know they’ll "behave." Additionally, if you notice that this person tends to treat you poorly only in certain situations, try to avoid them. For example, if it’s a sibling who often teases you at family gatherings, try to keep your distance at events and meet them separately in more respectful settings.
2. A parent who prefers one child over others
Perhaps you grew up with a parent who believes only one of their children is perfect, and their siblings should strive to be more like them. If you aren’t that "perfect child," it can make you feel bad about yourself. This favored child may even receive privileges that you don’t, like help with housing payments, while you’re told to find a better job to afford it yourself.
Unfortunately, it’s not possible to change the mind of such a parent, and experts generally advise accepting the situation and moving on. In the meantime, if you haven’t already, it’s important to learn to be independent and—most importantly—not seek approval from your parents. Instead, surround yourself with people who love, support, and appreciate you for who you are. Continuing to seek validation from a parent who constantly compares you to a sibling will only lead to disappointment.
3. A family member who gossips about you behind your back
Gossiping is unpleasant because it causes others to think certain things about you, not based on your words or actions, but on what they’ve heard from someone with their own opinions. Additionally, you may not even know they’re gossiping about you, and it’s unsettling to find out that others know secrets you never wanted to share.
There are several ways to deal with gossipers, but the simplest is not to share anything with them. Be polite, engage in small talk, but keep what’s important to you or what’s happening in your life out of the conversation. Don’t give them "ammunition" for their discussions with others.
4. A family member who abuses you
Whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, it’s never acceptable, as it lowers your self-worth and causes negative feelings such as anger, fear, confusion, and even depression. For people like this, it’s usually necessary to set boundaries and even avoid them, though this can be extremely difficult, especially if they’re close family members.
If you’re unable to confront them or if doing so would cause too much family drama, it’s recommended to see them only at large family events where you don’t have to interact directly and to avoid smaller, more intimate gatherings like family dinners. However, if the abuse is severe, you might need to cut ties entirely. In any case, seeking help from a professional therapist can be beneficial in coping with this situation.
5. A parent who neglects you
This isn’t about conflict but rather the lack of relationship, support, or love within the family. If you grew up feeling like a tenant rather than a family member, it’s a sign that your parents expected you to raise yourself. They may have fed and clothed you, but when you needed someone to talk to, they weren’t there, and that may still be the case.
The best advice for you is simply to focus on yourself, as you can’t change the childhood you had, nor is it likely you can make your parents genuinely care about you. You might start journaling to express your feelings and what you’re going through or talk to a professional therapist to help you recognize and understand how you were raised and its impact on you. Even a pet can help those who feel they’ve suffered from neglect.
6. A family member who loves conditionally
We expect unconditional love from our family, especially from our parents—that no matter what, they’ll love and stand by us. However, in some families, love is conditional, and if you grew up in such an environment, you may have come to believe you must "earn" love by doing or showing certain things. This creates a kind of split personality—a false self that tries to meet the parents’ ideal and a true self that simply wants to be authentic.
It’s time to let go of your false self and the feeling that another person’s happiness depends on you, or that your happiness depends on them. Some describe this process as the rebirth of their true self, and throughout this journey, you should give yourself all the love that was withheld from you until now. Rediscovering and pursuing your passions will be very helpful.
7. A family member who doesn’t respect boundaries
Within families and between people in general, boundaries can be set in various ways—financially, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. For example, it could be a family member who repeatedly borrows money from you without repaying it. Another example could be a family member who always expects you to host holiday dinners, which exhausts you, or someone who constantly calls you while you’re working and expects you to answer. Problems often arise when we don’t actually set boundaries, or when we think we have but haven’t been clear enough.
First, you need to set very clear boundaries and not assume the other person already understands them. Second, you must be consistent and repeat these boundaries whenever they’re crossed. For example, as per the scenarios mentioned, you could say you’re no longer lending money, that you’re not hosting this year, and to someone who calls during work hours, you could say you’re unavailable during the day and can talk after 6 PM. All it takes is establishing rules, sticking to them, and making sure the person who doesn’t respect boundaries abides by them. If not, feel free to express your feelings about it and act in whatever way you choose.
A Few Final Words
No family is perfect, but some families function less well than others. If you grew up in a family that makes you feel bad about yourself, it might involve a toxic family member or toxic dynamics in your family, and it may be wise to distance yourself from these people to some degree. Remember—just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can treat you poorly, nor does it mean you have to accept it. We’ve talked about unconditional love, but it’s not that you’re asking for unreasonable terms or for people to change for you. Rather, you’re asking for the respect you deserve. Anyone who can’t give you that isn’t worthy of your love.
