Talking about cancer is perhaps the most difficult thing a parent may have to do with their children. We naturally try to protect our children from anything that might hurt them or their feelings, and we feel that we must protect them from a difficult medical diagnosis we received by not telling them about it. In fact, keeping this information to ourselves could do more harm than good, so what's the right way to do it, and are there situations where you shouldn't? We will now answer these questions and show you how to approach this conversation and how to behave after it in front of small children and adults.
How to tell small children that you have cancer
Small children of preschool or school age cannot fully understand your situation, nor should they. This way you will give them all the information they need to know.
1. Know your diagnosis well
Before you start talking to the children, it is recommended that you first make sure you know everything you need to know about the disease and the diagnosis you received, including the treatment plan that will be given to you. This knowledge will help you approach the conversation calmly, and the information you have can assure your children that everything will be fine.
2. Choose the right time and place
This conversation should take place in a pleasant place where you can have a face-to-face conversation with your children, away from various distractions or stressors. For example, not while you are doing errands outside together and stop to sit and eat somewhere, but at home.
3. Start with open questions
Ask your children if they have noticed that your health is not at its best lately or what they know about cancer. This will enable dialogue based on their level of awareness and concerns.
4. Use language that suits your children
Answer their questions in terms they can understand, and make sure the answers are age-appropriate. It's okay to use the word "cancer", but adjust the rest of the information to the child's level of understanding.
5. Be honest, but also choose what to leave out
Share information yes and answer their questions, but make sure not to overload them with details they don't need. Let the conversation guide you and only answer what they ask. If during the conversation the children chose to change the subject, go with it. That means they are out of questions for now.
6. Ensure a secure and a normal routine
Make sure your children know that you and they are safe, that their routine will remain as it is, and that there will always be someone with them and they will not be alone for a moment. Let them feel that life will still remain as it is, despite the changes that will come.
7. Explain treatments simply
Explain in one sentence the purpose of the treatment you will undergo. For example, explain that the goal of chemotherapy is to prevent the cancer cells from spreading too quickly in the body. Explain the physical changes you will go through, such as hair loss, and emphasize that it is all temporary and that the hair will grow back
8. Detailed explanations if necessary
Share with your children information about how you feel physically or mentally only if they can really digest this information, and avoid explanations in medical language. Instead, concentrate on your immediate needs, for example you can say that you have to rest and therefore you will not be able to participate in a certain activity, without elaborating
9. Expect unexpected questions
Your children will likely have a lot of questions, and they will likely guide the conversation, but they may not be the questions you expect. Here are some examples of questions that you can prepare for, but remember that the children may surprise you with other questions of their own:
- "Are you going to die?"
- "Will I also have cancer when I grow up?"
- "Will my hair fall out too?"
- "Should I tell my friends/teacher?"
- "Who will take care of me if you can't?"
- "Why did you get cancer?"
- "If something happens to you, what will happen to me?"
- "When will you be cured?"
What do I do if the child doesn't respond well?
If it seems that your children are not coping well with this issue, do not hesitate to approach a child psychologist or a family counselor with them to help them and you get through this period. Common signs that the children are not coping well with the news are for example:
- The child is quieter and more introverted than usual
- A child who is hyperactive in a way that is not typical of them
- Difficulties concentrating in classes
- Inappropriate behavior at school
When should we not tell children about cancer?
Some parents choose not to tell their children about the diagnosis they received, especially when it comes to small children. This is your personal decision, but remember that children are very intelligent, and they can sense that something is wrong in the family. If you don't tell them about what happened, they might suffer from anxiety and fears, because they need emotional stability, but when you don't tell them something and they are aware of it, they feel insecure.
There are also parents who choose not to tell because their diagnosis is relatively good and it is likely that they will recover, and they think to themselves that it is not worth burdening the children, but it is recommended that you also think about the following:
What if your health condition worsens? How will you explain to the children that you are suddenly very ill? This will leave you too little time to allow them to cope with the rapid change that is taking place in the family. Ultimately, in this scenario, not telling the children about the disease does more harm than good.
What if they find out about the cancer themselves? How long can you keep this a secret? Or maybe your children understand much more than you think. Your children may hear this word during your conversations with other family members, or another adult may tell them about it without them knowing. In such a situation, your children will feel rejected, as if they do not deserve you to tell them certain things, and this may hurt their delicate souls.
How to tell older children that you have cancer
Adolescent or older children - those who have already left the nest - should also know about your illness, among other things because they will be able to help you deal with it, and it is important that they know what your health condition is. Here are some tips for opening this topic to them.
1. Be honest and speak openly
Promise your children that you will continue to update them on your situation, and do so, otherwise they will assume that the worst is happening or doubt the information you pass on to them.
2. Let them help you if they wish to
Most older children will want to help and give of themselves to make it easier for you, so you can allow them to drive you to appointments with the doctor and even invite them to sit in front of him with you. If they live far away from you, just let them know that you would be very happy if they would call you often, so that they don't feel bad that they can't help anymore.
3. Share with the son/daughter in law
If your children are married, share their spouse as well. You will get much more support this way, and your children will find it difficult to share this news themselves or even hide it.
4. Be an example to your childre
Now is your chance to show the children how you face challenges in life, how determined you are and how you overcome obstacles. You will be able to show them the power of hope, and also the importance of receiving an accurate medical diagnosis, which includes a second opinion, referral to specialists, etc.
5. Do not surrender to the disease
This disease is the furthest thing from easy, mentally as well as physically, but do not use it as your main source of emotional support from your children during this time. If you need such support, you can turn to a qualified therapist who can help you deal with stress and anxiety, while allowing your children to save their energy for helping you in other ways. Do not let this disease be the issue around which the relationship between you and your children revolves.
In conclusion...
Whether your children are big or small, it is very important that you have this conversation with them and explain to them what your situation is according to their ability to understand. Don't try to save them pain by hiding the disease, because in the end it can work to your detriment and theirs. You need to encourage trust and confidence in the family, so you can also get the support you need during this time.
