Many couples’ decision to get married comes with great excitement and thought that the union will last forever, but as we all know, this isn’t always true. Over the years, couples undergo changes that make many of them conclude that the marriage is no longer working and that they are interested in divorce.
This decision is very complex and when children are involved, the difficulty is many times greater. In the sensitive period of divorce proceedings, it is important that spouses know how to put the anger aside and prepare their children for this difficult news in a way that will make them understand what is to come. The following 9 tips can help with the task and allow every couple to continue walking together as a family to a different future than expected, but not necessarily one that is bad.
Divorces involve quite a few emotional upheavals during which many couples decide that they regret their decision and want to stay together. For this reason, it is important that you don’t tell your children about the decision until you set a date for a spouse to leave the house, file for divorce or any other significant action. Only after you’ve really decided that you want to end the marriage, tell your children about the decision so they can be ready for the future.
According to Dr. Jenn Berman, a psychologist and author of the book “The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids”, one of the parents' mistakes is not to prepare an orderly plan for after the divorce, which makes it impossible to determine the right time to tell children what is going on. It is important that you formulate an orderly plan in terms of dates of leaving home, custody arrangements and any other details that your children will ask you about so that you’ll not only be emotionally prepared for the post-divorce situation, but you can answer your children’s questions that will surely come up in their minds.
Although you can’t predict and plan every word you’ll say to your children during the divorce conversation, you can certainly prepare what you’ll say at the beginning of the conversation on the subject. Therefore, you should sit with your partner and plan how to start the conversation off. According to Dr. Paul Coleman, a psychologist, and author of "How To Say It To Your Kids," this planning will allow you to present a unified front and also prepare you for the moment in the best possible way. Don’t be afraid to rehearse the things you want to say so that you are as ready as possible to tell your kids about your difficult decision and with the most confidence.
There is no such thing as a "good time" to tell children about divorce. It doesn’t matter when you tell them about this decision, they will be disappointed and raise a lot of concerns. Although there is no good time to share this news, there are times that are not suitable for this, such as before bedtime, before a school day, before a class and more.
When you decide to tell your children about it, make sure that you do it during the day and at a time which will leave the kids with a few free hours to talk to them about what they want, explain what you will do after the break up and most importantly, to comfort them with hugs, kisses and soft words so that they understand that even though their parents’ marriage has come to an end, there is no expiration date for you being a family.
Experts agree on something particularly important when talking about divorce - that all the family members should be told together when the news is broken. To do this, it is important to inform the children that you, the parents, have something important to tell them. Then put them in a room where all of you will be together and tell them gently that Dad and Mom have decided they will not be a couple anymore. If you fear that one of the children will receive the news negatively and excite their siblings, have the conversation separately, but if you don’t have this fear, tell the family together about your decision.
Once you’ve had a conversation with all the family members, it is likely that in the days that follow the winds will still be stormy, and even if they don’t express it, know that your children will be angry, confused and may even express their feelings in a negative way.
In order to neutralize as many of these feelings as possible, it is important that you also have one-on-one conversations with each child, as a couple and separately. When you conduct these conversations, do not go into personal details about the situation, rather focus on your children and try to show understanding and patience about what they say and feel. Remember, even though you parents are upset, you are still the responsible adults and you must maintain a sense of stability and confidence in the stormy moments. Your children will feel that their world is collapsing on them.
Naturally, children's vocabulary is not sufficiently developed, and apart from the fact that it will take them time to understand and work out exactly what divorce is, they may also find it hard to understand what you are going to say to them. Therefore, it is important that you keep the language as simple as possible and speak in terms that they understand while limiting the beginning of the conversation to simple keywords.
For example, you can say "Mom and Dad have thought a lot and we’ve decided that Mom/Dad would move to a new home." In addition, in many cases, children have witnessed conflicts and disagreements between their parents, and it is important that you acknowledge this to the children and explain to them that you have reached a joint decision that is best for the whole family. In this way, your children will understand that although you have made a difficult decision, you have done so taking into account the needs of the family so that you can continue on a healthier path, without arguments and friction.
One of the most common feelings among children who hear about their parents' divorce is that they are somehow to blame for the situation and that their behavior at one time or another was a decisive factor in the decision. According to Dr. Frank Sileo, a licensed psychologist, and author of children's books, it is important that you be aware of this feeling and understand that you have to ensure that your children have no connection to your decision at all, then be attentive to your children's emotional needs and ask them how they feel.
Children naturally tend to think that the whole world revolves around them, and so you have to be consistent and attentive to them so that they understand that the events did not happen around them or because of them, but because of a decision that came from you as adults.
