We’re all different, so it only makes sense that there’s more than one way to express affection too. Consciously or not, we choose the style of affection that suits our strengths and temperament the best - be it through quality time, acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, or words of support. Gary Chapman, the author of the best-seller The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts calls these styles love languages.
Chapman developed his theory through years of marriage counseling; he claims that discovering your partner’s love language and knowing yours too can be empowering. It can become the key to deepening, growing, and supporting each other in a relationship.
In Gary Chapman’s experience, quality time is the most widespread love language of all. People who are partial to this language feel loved when their partner wants to spend time together with them. They value eye contact, presence, and active listening but feel ignored when you talk to them while doing something else.
Your partner’s love language is quality time if:
Ways to express affection for a partner of this type:
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The motto of people who belong to this group is “actions speak louder than words.” They feel loved when their partner makes a special effort to help. It can even be small things, like preparing a cup of coffee every morning, or cleaning the house when the partner had an especially tough week at work.
Your partner’s love language is acts of service if:
Ways to express affection for a partner of this type:
The people who value gift-giving as a sign of affection are a mirror reflection of the previous type. For them, no amount of attention can beat an elaborate gift. These people need a visual reminder to feel loved. It doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it’s thoughtful. Those who belong to this type will also put extra thought and effort into gift-giving.
Your partner’s love language is gift-giving if:
Ways to express affection for a partner of this type:
People who are partial to this type of affection require physical touch to feel connected and loved. We’re all familiar with physical signs of affection; they include cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and of course, sexual intimacy. To people who prioritize physical intimacy, any type of touch also serves to establish an emotional connection.
Your partner’s love language is touch if:
Ways to express affection for a partner of this type:
Those with words of affirmation as their primary love language “love with their ears.” For these people, love is not love without written and spoken “I love you’s.” They love compliments, encouragement, likes, comments on social media, and any other verbal acknowledgments you can think of. If your partner belongs to this group, don’t even think of skipping that Valentine’s Day card, Happy Birthday song, or New Year’s message (you get the picture).
Your partner’s love language is words of affirmation if:
Ways to express affection for a partner of this type:
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Now that you know which languages you and your partner are partial to, what do you do next? Are there any benefits to this information? Certainly, yes. Chapman claims tapping into your partner’s love language is one of the simplest ways to improve and deepen a relationship. It’s not a fix to all relationship problems, but a way for couples to improve their connection in everyday life.
Among the benefits, the author lists the following:
Empathy
The more you care about the way you and your partner experience affection, the more in tune you become with their needs and emotions. Every time you try to understand and “speak” your partner’s love language, the intention alone teaches you to empathize with your loved one.
Intimacy
Apart from empathy and understanding, talking about your relationship can teach you to connect more intimately and deeply. When this happens, you’ll feel closer in a relationship. These findings were supported by a meta-analysis, which concluded that better communication equals more intimacy in a marriage.
Generosity
When you strive to understand your partner's love language. and practice it rather than pushing your own style of affection on them, you’ll learn to be more generous. It is this generosity that will teach you to express love in a meaningful way.
The bottom line is, a knowledge of the five love languages opens the door to a more rewarding relationship. We often struggle to understand why our partners don’t understand our way of saying “I love you,” and the love language model allows us to express love in a more meaningful manner.
References: Verywell Mind, Mind Body Green, Healthline