1. "I want you to help me understand what you mean"
When two people argue at work, in a relationship, or in friendship, it’s very hard for them to pause and think logically, and this applies not only to the one who starts the fight. Both sides can be drawn into a whirlpool of words spoken without thought or intention, so it's important to occasionally stop the flow of conversation. When you feel that the other person said something confusing, offensive, or unclear, pause and ask them to clarify what they meant. Such questions halt the flow of harsh words, allow the person being asked to explain themselves in a detailed and calm manner, and most importantly –provide the conversation with a framework of a genuine desire to understand and engage constructively.
2. "Tell me what’s upsetting you"
We all know that arguments over a dirty sink, being late for a meeting, or a joke taken seriously are usually about much deeper issues than the events that triggered them. There are situations where the root of the conflict is hidden or unclear, and in such cases, it’s essential to ask guiding questions to help the hurt party express, and perhaps even understand themselves what it is that truly bothers them. Even if it turns out that the most frustrating thing for your conversation partner is something you cannot or do not want to change, at least you can continue the discussion and see how the issue can be addressed in other ways.
3. "We don’t need to use this tone of voice"
When tempers flare, voices rise, but you can’t resolve an argument or reach a decision when one or both parties are constantly raising their voices. It’s true, it’s very difficult to have an emotionally charged conversation without feeling the need to vent frustration or express anger loudly, but shouting makes the issue several times more difficult and complex. If you notice the other person starting to raise their voice, gently remind them that such behavior isn’t necessary, and if needed, allow them to take a few moments to collect their thoughts and calm down.
4. "That’s an understandable problem"
This short phrase and its various versions have a tremendous impact on the outcome of heated conversations if you know when and how to use it. Its effect is quite clear: it helps the other person feel understood and heard, which are, of course, positive outcomes. So how and when should you say such expressions? There are some clear recommendations: never say something like this if you don’t truly understand – instead, keep asking and probing until you get to the bottom of the issue at hand. Avoid following such statements with the word “but,” and instead try saying “From my perspective, it looks different because...”. Don’t say such things with anger or disdain, as the goal is to calm the atmosphere and not make the other person feel that they are behaving irrationally. Before or after such an expression, it’s advisable to briefly present and reflect the problems as you understood them, to create in your conversation partners the feeling that you truly understand them and empathize with them.
5. "Now let’s try to look at this issue from another perspective..."
The ability to see both sides of the coin eludes many of us during arguments on any topic, so it’s important to remember to use such phrases to help the people we’re talking to, but also ourselves. Your boss might not be aware of what you’re going through in your personal life, so they’re piling on work, or your child’s teacher might not know how much your child loves the lessons, so he or she keeps interrupting her... Most of the time, you can get anyone to adopt at least two perspectives on a certain issue, and when you manage to do that, you effectively double the chances that the conflict will end amicably, and perhaps even with a constructive decision for the future.
6. "We’ve been through worse, we’ll get through this too"
You’ve probably already experienced several crises in your relationship, at work, or with your closest friends, and most of the time, you came out of them stronger and more determined. When you’re in the middle of an argument, it’s important to remind yourself and the people you’re talking to of this fact, as it will fill you with strength and restore your desire to deal with the issue you’re arguing about and successfully overcome it. This phrase also helps the other person feel that you are committed to resolving and dealing with the issue, and these are two things that are very important to establish, especially if it’s a marital dispute.
7. "What can we do to change this situation?"
If you’re willing to compromise and perhaps even work a little, this is the phrase that will help you overcome the argument you’re having in the best possible way, and perhaps even prevent it from happening again. You need to be prepared for the possibility that you might not like the answer to this question, but there’s likely room for negotiation so that you can find common ground. Even if that’s impossible, at least you’ll be in a position where you know what’s expected of you, and you can enlist the help of the person you’re arguing with to find a way to address the problem together.
8. "True, you can’t argue with that"
You won’t believe how powerful a statement like this can be when it comes from the heart, because during a fight, we’re all convinced that the person in front of us is the most stubborn person in the world, so it’s a wonderful surprise to hear that they agree with us. You can use such a phrase to bypass issues on which there is no agreement and focus on what can be discussed, or to calm an agitated person and make them understand that you’re not attacking them. At the end of the day, we all have a drive to “be right,” and once that need is fulfilled, a large part of the motives for a heated and hurtful argument disappear in an instant.
9. "We need to stop fighting"
It’s hard to believe that such a simple and even childish phrase can prevent an argument from turning into a disaster that ruins relationships, but in some cases, that’s exactly what it can do. The main power of such phrases is in situations where the participants in the argument care a lot about each other, so they are willing to stop fighting and take a moment to breathe, think about what’s been said so far, and then continue the discussion calmly. Yes, it’s important for each of us to be right, but this phrase reminds us that sometimes it’s more important to be together because we need to stop fighting, instead of continuing in arguments that include dramatic statements like “You need to listen to me” or “You need to think logically.” After all, if you “won” over someone you love, you actually lost too, because chances are that this achievement hurt, humiliated, or embarrassed them. You can stop the argument for five minutes or more at your discretion and the given situation, spend some time apart and think about the real reasons for the argument and the arguments that were raised.
10. "I’ll support you"
If you notice the beginning of a tense conversation leading to an argument, don’t hesitate to incorporate such phrases into your words. Remember, this is the support we all seek in the end – whether it's the stressed manager at work, the father who doesn’t know how to deal with his son’s decisions, or the relative who needs a loan. The type of support you offer them depends entirely on you, but such a declaration of intent is the first step toward a solution or at least defusing a tense situation. This phrase can also help to end difficult conversations pleasantly, as it strengthens the other person and declares that there is a future where you will continue to deal with the issue you discussed together. When this is the atmosphere at the end of the argument, all parties come out of it feeling much more relaxed and positive, which is the basis for the solution you’re looking for.
