Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson