Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)