There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
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