There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
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