My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
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