How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
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