Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Leaf me alone.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Have you botany plants lately?
Long thyme no see.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I’m very frond of you.
I’ll never leaf you.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
One trick peony.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
In the eyes of the lawn.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Let me plant one on ya!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Ants in your plants.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Seed between the lines.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
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