Don’t moss around.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
You’re unbeleafable.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Your good seed for the day.
All clover the world.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Your good weed for the day.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I’ll never leaf you.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I’m kind of a big dill.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Trowel and error.
All things must grass.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
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