Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
"Just one hot chick."
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
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