Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I dig you a hole lot.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
"It's wine o'clock."
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