Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
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