Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Let me plant one on ya!
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
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