Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Believe in your elf.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
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