What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
"Alcohol you later."
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
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