To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
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